


Pride

by yaheys



Category: Vampire Weekend
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, i'm bad at tagging i apologize, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-12
Updated: 2014-08-12
Packaged: 2018-02-12 20:37:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2123859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yaheys/pseuds/yaheys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rostam invites Ezra on a road trip, and Ezra questions his sexuality.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pride

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly have no idea what this is; it started with the idea of a questioning Ezra, but very quickly devolved into an angsty, rambling mess. I think this is the best it's going to get, though, so I'm posting it now. I promise that the next work I post will have much less angst and much more of the good stuff.

In late June of 2011, when Rostam asks Ezra to come with him on a road trip, he couldn't be happier. He'd never admit it, but he misses being on the road. He misses Rostam, too. They're on the phone, and he's talking quickly, sounding genuinely excited to see Ezra again.

"My friends Amy and Derek asked me to go with them, and they said to bring someone else if I wanted, so..."

"Awesome! Where are you planning on going?"

"They both live in LA, so we're going to start from there and take the scenic route along the coast. They know people in Santa Cruz, so we can stop there for a day or two. If everything goes to plan, we'll end up in San Fran just in time for Pride. It's actually not that long of a drive, so we're going to try to space it out over a few days. We can find cheap motels and stuff when we're not staying with their friends, so it won't be too expensive, either."

"That sounds really great. I definitely wished we'd seen more of Santa Cruz on tour; I can't wait to check it out," Ezra says. "So, um, Pride. Are your friends both, uh..."

"Queer? Derek's bi, but Amy's straight. So don't worry, you won't be the only heterosexual there," Rostam replies condescendingly.

"I'm just worried I'll be a little... out of place."

"Ezra," Rostam says exasperatedly, "first of all, no one's going to be able to see your sexuality by looking at you. Secondly, everyone's welcome at Pride: queer, questioning, straight... As long as you remember that it's about the actual struggles and triumphs of LBGTQ people, you can be there."

"You're right. I guess it's just weird for me, you know? You have this connection to it that I don't."

"Well," Rostam says. There's a long pause. "You kind of do." Rostam's skirting around the subject of Ezra's sexuality, because to address it directly would mean talking about them. It's their one unspoken rule: what happens between them on tour stays there. Ezra knows what Rostam's trying to do, but he isn't about to break any rules when he doesn't know the consequences.

"You're right," he answers. "My best friend is gay, and I probably haven't done enough to support that." He hears Rostam sigh defeatedly over the line.

"So you'll come?"

"As long as I'm not busy, which I don't think I am, I'm there."

"Great. I'll text you with the details when we get everything worked out. Bye, Ezra."

"Bye, Ros."

 

In the end, Ezra doesn't go. He texts Rostam with some excuse about a family thing and stays in his apartment all week. The truth is, he doesn't think it's a good idea for him to go to a pride parade with the guy he's sort of seeing when he doesn't know the status of their relationship or the depth of his feelings. He doesn't want to think about it, so he convinces himself he's tired and sleeps the next few days away.

However much he'd like to forget about it, Rostam still texts him; he gets photos and updates from the trip every day. There's shots of the beautiful scenery they're driving through, the cute cafés they eat at, selfys of him and his friends. He sends one from Pride where he's in a rainbow tank top and Derek's kissing his cheek, which is just too much for Ezra. He blocks Rostam's number, telling himself that he'll unblock it when Rostam gets back from the trip and he can actually see him in person. He doesn't know if that will be better or worse than the constant messages, but he's taken all he can for now.

On the night that Rostam is supposed to be driving back to LA, Ezra can't sleep. He scrolls through Twitter, hoping that the barren, late night feed will be dull enough to make him doze off. After what feels like an hour, he checks the time; only five minutes have passed. He gives up on the idea of sleep and pulls out his laptop. When it finally boots up and his browser loads, he types "queer" into the search bar on a whim. Instantly, the page is flooded with information: a Wikipedia article, definitions from dictionaries, LGBTQ websites. He's a little overwhelmed, so he clicks on the Wikipedia article first.

The only thing he really knows for sure is that queer used to be an insult, but he's heard Rostam use it enough times to get that that's not all it means anymore. When he reads the article, he's surprised at how many things it can mean; he thought he was fairly well-educated, but he hasn't even heard of some of these genders and sexualities before.

He finds a page claiming to be a comprehensive list of sexual identities and figures he has nothing to lose by seeing if any of them. He's not gay; he's sure of that. He's loved girls, he finds them attractive, he enjoys fucking them. At least there's one thing he can definitely cross off the massive list. He looks up pansexuality next, and it takes more reading before he even has a clue what the author is talking about. Eventually, though, he decides it doesn't fit him; if he considers Rostam an outlier, the only gender he's been attracted to is women. That puts bisexuality out of the running too, and after glancing at the articles about asexuality and demisexuality, he realizes that they don't describe him either.

Every help column that he's read has stressed that sexuality is fluid, and that no one will fit perfectly into one category, but Ezra just wants a word he can use to describe what he's feeling. If he has a word, it means that all of this is okay, normal, that what he and Rostam do is totally normal. He reads over the Wiki article for queer again. Technically, he supposes, he fits under that umbrella, considering everything he's done with Rostam, but it doesn't feel right. It doesn't seem like a word Rostam would use to describe him. He wouldn't introduce Ezra to his friends or people at Pride with it.

Ezra's beyond frustrated. Is there a word for a straight guy who fucks his male best friend when they're both bored and horny on tour? He decides it's a good thing he didn't go to Pride; he didn't belong there. It feels like Rostam's trying to get him to "embrace his sexuality", but how can he, when he doesn't even know what the fuck it is? He doesn't remember how it started, or who initiated it, only how it's been for the past couple tours. Aside from the usual deep late-night conversations that come with being in close quarters with the same people for months on end, he and Rostam make out, jerk each other off, and give each other quick blowjobs. It's a stark contrast to their time off tour; more often than not, they're halfway across the country from each other. When they do manage to spend time together outside of music-related stuff, they always have to fill each other in on their respective lives, almost like they're meeting for the first time all over again. Ezra makes a point of telling Rostam about the dates he's been on; so far, they've all been epic, Titanic-scale failures, but talking to Rostam about them helps somehow. The stories are actually pretty funny when Ezra gets the chance to look at them from another perspective, and it's nice to make Rostam laugh. He doesn't know that much about what Rostam does when they're off tour, aside from making music and visiting friends and family. If Rostam ever goes on dates, he doesn't tell Ezra about it.

 

The day that gay marriage becomes legal in New York, he gets a call from Rostam asking if he wants to come out with some friends. Ezra's got nothing better to do, so he accepts the offer and meets up with them outside a gay bar downtown. He knows maybe two of the other people there, but when Rostam introduces him, all of them all smile like they've known him for years. Throughout the city, there's an atmosphere of celebration and joy, and it eliminates any awkwardness that would usually present when meeting strangers. The jubilant mood only intensifies when they enter the bar; almost everyone is dancing, and those who aren't are engaged in either passionate conversations or makeout sessions. Their group squeezes around a tiny table in the corner, and one of Rostam's friends goes to the bar and orders them a round. Rostam has a dazed smile on his face, like he can't really believe what's happening. Some of his friends seem to be in a similar state of elated disbelief; the small pockets of chatter around the table are all buoyed by constant toasts and speeches. Ezra's never seen Rostam look more relaxed and content, and he beams at him across the table. _Thanks for inviting me_ , he mouths silently across the bench, as one of Rostam's friends chatters loudly about her wedding plans. The corner of Rostam's mouth twitches, and he raises his beer in a silent toast as he mouths back, _anytime_.

Several drinks later, they've broken off from the group and are sat on tiny wooden chairs in a corner, shoulders pressing together as they converse earnestly. Ezra had made a remark about the importance of the new bill to the gay community, and now Rostam's struggling to explain to him how it's about something more.

"This isn't just about gay people," he says passionately, his eyes looking into Ezra's. "This is about equality, human equality, for people to love whomever they want. Okay, even if straight people don't think they could be queer, you know, you don't have a say in who you fall in love with. This is about those people, too." The intensity of the gaze is too much for Ezra, who drops his eyes as his face reddens.

"I mean, I get what you're saying, and I'm not narrow-minded or anything," Ezra replies slowly, staring into his glass. "But, personally I can't picture myself marrying a man— or any other gender that's not a woman. I do try to keep an open attitude, but I feel like the person that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with is gonna be a girl." Rostam looks somewhat disappointed, but not surprised, which does a little to ease the sudden tightness in Ezra's chest.

"I get that," he says. "I mean, I get knowing yourself like that. And, like I said, it's not like you can choose who you fall in love with."

Ezra doesn't know what to say; the feeling in his chest is making it hard to breathe, like the wind has been knocked out of him. He wants to apologize, but what good would that do? He's known how Rostam feels for longer than he'd like to admit, but he doesn't want to ruin their friendship. Right now, they're at a convenient stalemate where both their friendship and their late-night tour activities can coexist; if either of them acknowledged the situation explicitly, one of those things could be lost forever.

Rostam has an expression that's practically begging Ezra to kiss him, and in the heat of the moment, intoxicated from the beer and the atmosphere, Ezra almost does. Instead, he reaches across over and slips his hand into Rostam's. His friend looks up, surprised.

"What happened in this city today is really fucking special. Ros, one day you're going to find someone who can't help falling in love with you, and who wouldn't have it any other way. And you'll be able to make sure you can spend the rest of your life with them. You're right when you say this is about human equality, and everyone deserves that, but out of all people, you're the one I can't wait to see it happen to."

Rostam lets out a shaky breath and squeezes Ezra's hand. "Thank you." 

 

Somehow — Ezra still isn't sure exactly how it happened — one of his dates actually goes right, and even better, it develops from a heart-fluttering crush into a genuine, head-over-heels romance. It may be cliché, but after meeting her, it's like his world has been turned upside down. The whole rose-tinted glasses thing must be true, because now it's like the grass is greener and the sun shines brighter. The cynic in Ezra would like to put it down to being in L.A., where of course the sun's brighter, but part of him knows that he's just nervous to face up to the idea that this girl could be the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

The relationship's still new when they're writing and recording their third album; he annoys the guys and their producer by talking about her constantly. He tells everyone who will listen about how she's a model and an artist, and that she reads classic literature and listens to reggae records from the 70's. He catches CT and Baio exchanging smug glances every time he starts another spiel, but he doesn't care. Let them think what they want; he hasn't felt like this in forever. They haven't even started touring for the new album yet, but it's like he already misses her, like she makes his heart feel things in the future tense. He knows, too, that this tour will be different; he sees it in the tense glances Rostam gives him when he thinks Ezra isn't looking. Rostam avoids touching him, makes sure their bodies don't accidentally brush when he hands him a guitar or they're both bent over a keyboard. Ezra wishes that there was something he could say that would magically bring he and Rostam together again, but he knows there's no words that will speak more honestly than his actions.

 

A week after their third album comes out, Rostam calls him again about taking a road trip. It's almost three years after the first time, and he's going to San Francisco again; considering that it's only March, though, it's not planned around Pride. It's a relief to have Rostam reach out to him; though they're not technically fighting — that would require one of them actually acknowledging that Ezra dating someone is a problem for Rostam — the silence between them was getting too much to bear. Ezra declines the invite, but this time he has a legitimate excuse for not going; his girlfriend's asked him to go away with her for the weekend, and it's one of the last chances he has to spend time with her before they go on tour again. Rostam's very understanding, and tells him not to worry about it.

"It's not like we're not about to go on a massive road trip for the new album or anything," he laughs.

"Mmm, true," Ezra says into the phone. "I feel bad though. I kind of owe you for not coming last time."

"Ezra, you don't owe me anything."

"But I do," he blurts out unthinkingly. "I owe you for being there for me in a way no one else was. I owe you for helping me discover things about myself that I wouldn't know otherwise. I just— I feel like there's nothing I can do for you that will ever match what you've done for me."

There's a long, drawn out silence where Ezra becomes uncomfortably aware of how fast his heart's beating. He starts to think that Rostam's hung up on him until he hears a shaky breath being drawn, and his friend finally speaks.

"You want to do something for me, Ezra? Be happy. Know what you want and who you are. And make sure you enjoy every second of it."

"Ros, I-"

"I'm not done," he says firmly. "Don't ever talk about us ever again. Think of it like the first three albums; it was great while it lasted, but it belongs to a different era now. That's all I'm asking. You've moved on; let me do the same."

"Okay," Ezra responds, biting his lip. "I can do that. Rostam?"

"Yeah?"

"Have fun on your road trip."

"Thanks. I guess I'll see you in a week for South by Southwest."

"Oh, yeah. I guess you will. I can't wait."

"Bye, Ezra."

"Bye," Ezra says, but it's too late; Rostam's already hung up.


End file.
